Smashed Your Head, Made It All Juice

Smashed your head, made it all juice in my dream last night. I didn't know your bones were this weak, and that you would be all a million pieces of bones and broth under car tires. I wanted to change them all up as soon as I ran over you.

I was walking home one winter evening, thinking of all the ways I could hurt you physically without getting the authorities involved. I craved of harming you, ejaculating in anger, satisfaction in agony. There is, after all, pleasure in dominance. I hated your bangs, your smile, the sound of you laughing passing through all my insides.

Anger that is not acted upon is worthy of applause. I managed it! I didn't actually smash any heads (would probably do it if getting caught wasn't an issue - jokes - or really).

Fuck you. Oh, I have dreamt of it, too.

I hated the way I was replaced, like my existence was made into some tasteless memory, as of a dream.

Fuck you. I wish your head was smashed and made into all juice.



Maybe I am a highly violent human. Just not towards non-human animals. I love animals. Go vegan.

Fuck off, you suck

No Harm Done

I have a new worst fear: causing harm. I don't mean it physically (if you know me you know I'm very weak). I don't want to be this toxic, problematic person. Where does this fear come from though?

It may have been started from this past relationship of mine, where I was dating this guy who was emotionally (and at times at minor levels, physically) abusing me. He would never tell me anything and would like to know everything regarding myself. Very jealous of my closest friends, highly homophobic (didn't know I was interested in women, too) and other shit characteristics as well. To this day, I can't answer the question "Why did you spend so much time with this guy?". Maybe I was naive, and a bit lazy to move on from one person to another.

Anyways, we would fight about a lot of things and none of our hangouts were ever peaceful. One time we came close, after spending an entire evening eating vegan food, ice cream, walking around the city.. then by the time it was to drop me home, a sudden argument came up and I found myself sitting on the pavement, being sad about never having a time without bitterness involved. It was so clooooose to be regarded as one of the best dates I have ever been on, I mean yes, he was a shit person but it was a date on which I ate ice cream. Mulberry ice cream. Also, vegan pizza. Come on peeps, come on.

At least, the above story is the beginning of it all as far as it goes.

The saga continued with a few more people, more arguments and break-ups (eventually). I may have come across with abusive, toxic, problematic people but it gets me thinking.. what if I was the person who was like that all along? The one who got them falling out of love with me, saying bad words to me, leaving?  What if I am the source of all this harm I thought they brought upon me?

More importantly, what if I keep on imposing all these on the one person I plan on building a future with?

I'm weak. Not just physically. I would be crushed under the weight of seeing people I love suffer over my madness. Should someone like me force their chances on love, and being around people? Maybe solitude serves better.

I should know about it soon.