It may have been started from this past relationship of mine, where I was dating this guy who was emotionally (and at times at minor levels, physically) abusing me. He would never tell me anything and would like to know everything regarding myself. Very jealous of my closest friends, highly homophobic (didn't know I was interested in women, too) and other shit characteristics as well. To this day, I can't answer the question "Why did you spend so much time with this guy?". Maybe I was naive, and a bit lazy to move on from one person to another.
Anyways, we would fight about a lot of things and none of our hangouts were ever peaceful. One time we came close, after spending an entire evening eating vegan food, ice cream, walking around the city.. then by the time it was to drop me home, a sudden argument came up and I found myself sitting on the pavement, being sad about never having a time without bitterness involved. It was so clooooose to be regarded as one of the best dates I have ever been on, I mean yes, he was a shit person but it was a date on which I ate ice cream. Mulberry ice cream. Also, vegan pizza. Come on peeps, come on.
At least, the above story is the beginning of it all as far as it goes.
The saga continued with a few more people, more arguments and break-ups (eventually). I may have come across with abusive, toxic, problematic people but it gets me thinking.. what if I was the person who was like that all along? The one who got them falling out of love with me, saying bad words to me, leaving? What if I am the source of all this harm I thought they brought upon me?
More importantly, what if I keep on imposing all these on the one person I plan on building a future with?
I'm weak. Not just physically. I would be crushed under the weight of seeing people I love suffer over my madness. Should someone like me force their chances on love, and being around people? Maybe solitude serves better.
I should know about it soon.
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