run away?

almost a month since i last took the bus to kyrenia, spent my hours shuffling through my playlists. at some point, being in famagusta is just suffocating even though i am free without my family's judgement towards my drinking, being out late and so on. we got eight cats at home, we got citrus trees in the garden and an oven that is simple to use. obviously one misses it.

one also misses talking to a person, with a genuine wish to. not that i don't have company of my own in famagusta, but the thing is i am all alone in the house. other than that sexist series' sound echoing through the old greek cypriot walls, there is nothing.

cooking, drinking, reading and in the end, sleeping alone. i am lucky if the person i like actually has the time to give me a call and make my night.

so today i woke up after coming home from a good evening spent with a good friend, drinking together and discussing all things that made us alive. all i wanted was to run away from the town, when the morning light enters the room through spaces between, it becomes all too unbearable. i accept my defeat and wear my flower shirt, pack my tea and coffee in tins, leave everything as one would wish to find it once back.

my mother is cooking leek tonight. considering that i ate nothing that wasn't fried for a whole week, leek sounds divine. it smells divine. our kitchen is a cold place. actually, our house as a whole is a cold place because it's not isolated and everywhere you go it's marble and we didn't install any central heating systems, so on. our kitchen is warmed up with our conversations.

maybe it even "heats up", you know. sometimes it is just to regret i ever run away from famagusta, but i resist the urge to. anyways.

see, getting committed to writing a bit everyday. turns out, all one ever has to do is to stop saving stuff for drafts and actually publish. maybe maybe maybe. anyways. it's better if i leave now, focus my night on eating good food, watching the crown, and editing my work.

see you. if you can run away, please do.

words are empty air

feeling like dancing here, in the dead cold lab. probably more alive than i ever was earlier this week. maybe that has got to do with intensive reading, maybe watching a carefully crafted story unfold and maybe not forcing my luck with the night as it progressed.

in any case, today i was able to leave the bed, cook myself up a nutritious breakfast and take my vitamins, leaving house before noontime. a person of small joys and ambitions, i find myself unable to think that far ahead. a week at tops. last week my motivation to go through the anxiety-filled midterms week was i could watch the crown's new season as soon as it was over. this week, it's that i'll go to kyrenia and kiss all the cats i can grab in the garden.

an ambition. to finish a book. to soak it all in, let it run through the veins. the thing about books on cyprus is, they make me want to travel back in time and become an observer. it kills me that i can't, it kills me that i am highly aware of my limited imagination. surely, there are cathedrals, there are castles, busts and old stones and roads.. even cities, but how can one not wonder? not go crazy over it?

i wonder if the cypriot sun was like this a thousand years ago. i wonder if the people tried soaking it all up, laying on the hot marble, just as i did. what did they see when they looked up? ah. okay okay, im leaving it here because you see it too, im going crazy.

feeling like dancing here, in the dead cold lab.

please build me a time machine, let me start with the '50s cyprus, let me go back a thousand more. maybe a queen, maybe a mistress, maybe nothing at all. oh wait, i was the observer.

has ended

been doing some emotional eating recently. don't know what causes it or if going to end anytime soon. i just come home from a meeting, a hangout and i find myself eating a minimum of three plates of food at one go. not that i eat little at normal times, but eating till my tummy hurts? feeling mentally bad about having eaten that much? and also.. what the hell is that trying to burn self with hot drinks? come on nuvnuv, you can do better than that.

things have ended. namely my relationship of four years, my midterms.. my motivation. it's okay to react to them, right?

open again

started chugging down alcohol again. i'll drink and drink until that moment of throwing up, hoping i throw up my awful awful feelings too. my anger, my sorrows, my joy. till im left with none. last time i went to my psychologist i begged him to tell me how to have a heart of steel. i feared confrontation and i feared feeling anything in the first place. he asked if i thought that was a healthy attitude. i mean yeah.

people keep on running over me and you expect me to confront them so they get the chance of doing it over and over again. i don't want that. i fail to believe that no one tells bullies to stop bullying but they tell me to just to confront. fuck you.

olga's destruction

how did we get here? things end. suspiria doesn't. the dance will go on and on and on and on forever and suzy is the mater suspiriorum.

volk

i think of sour cherry filling croissants. how i squeeze them all lightly and see the jelly wobble. weird joys. since i learnt they are vegan, i must have bought too many packs. sweet tooth has been satisfied all good. maybe it's the pms. well one can only hope they are not pregnant.

i would like to leave the whole planet behind me. i would like to dance to you, at three in the morning. if you would just allow me to dance for you. can i be the witch now? let me dance to the drums.

has ended.

never mutual

feelings suck, mine are never mutual.

last night i found myself screaming "i don't love you! i CAN'T love you! i don't want you!" over and over again to this person whom i thought i couldn't get tired of, ever. being intertwined for a good amount of the past four years, things drifted apart in less than a week. i was upset, deeply. not that im never like this, but shit suuuux. always thinking of myself as this person who doesn't need to be loved at all times, who is self-sufficient and blah blah blah yet im again craving the warmth. this also.. wait for it.. sux. came to believe that i am, in the simplest of words, not worthy of what another being can show me. 

then it hit me.

nobody ever told me i could wish to be loved. nobody told me i was allowed to. even if i was, i was told it would be temporary and no one could love another person forever. love was to pass. it was like the wind.

once there was this person i was attracted to, in my most naive self, and all i got treated was like a freak for simply showing how i felt. shit.. again.. you know it.. sux.

maybe then again, my feelings are never mutual.

i am expected to outgrow them and fuck with whomever until im numbed out. 

love is nice and good, but then again not.

yeni şeyler

bu alanı güncellemek gerekiyorsa eğer; can geldi. beni aramak istemiş, ne olursa olsun arayacakmış ama telefonunu değiştirince numaramı kaybetmiş. günlerini aramamı bekleyerek, bilmediği her numaranın ben olduğunu umarak geçirmiş. aramadım.

tatlı bir özlem yaşanır mı bilmiyordum, öğrendim. sayılı günün çabuk geçmesi ne güzel olay. anlatacak şeyler biriktirdim, yokluğunu "üç kere advertising strategy dersine gideceğim" diye kafamda tuttum. heyecanımı, heyecanını paylaşabileceğimizi bilerek bekledim. ilk defa birini özlerken üzülmedim.

aylardır bitiremediğim cevdet bey ve oğulları'nı bitirdim. bir daha kütüphaneden (çünkü tam yedi kez ödünç aldım) elimde o kırmızı kapaklı kitapla çıkmamak üzere. sonra virginia woolf'tan kendine ait bir oda'yı okudum ingilizce, insanın kendine tanıdık gelen şeyleri sindirmedeki hızı şahane. gerçi, kısacıktı. şimdilerde ise birkaç sene önce gemma bovery izleyip merak ettiğim için madame bovary okuyorum. better late than never derler bilirsiniz.

dizi olarak peep show, the crown bitirdim ve barry'e başladım. filmde ise coherence, insomnia (stellan skarsgard'ın başrol oynadığı), memento, anchors aweigh, the favourite, kynodontas aklımda kaldı.

her şeye heyecan duyduğum bir dönemden geçiyorum, başka bir yerde olsaydım bunu yadırgamazmışım gibi. mesela makine yerine reklamcılık okusaymışım. mesela kıbrıs'ta değil, leicester'da olsaymışım. en sevdiğim renk sarı değil de turuncu olsaymış. the crown değil de mindhunter izleseymişim. niye böyle ki?

moderat, the fool dinliyorum. ruhumu açtım.