has ended

been doing some emotional eating recently. don't know what causes it or if going to end anytime soon. i just come home from a meeting, a hangout and i find myself eating a minimum of three plates of food at one go. not that i eat little at normal times, but eating till my tummy hurts? feeling mentally bad about having eaten that much? and also.. what the hell is that trying to burn self with hot drinks? come on nuvnuv, you can do better than that.

things have ended. namely my relationship of four years, my midterms.. my motivation. it's okay to react to them, right?

open again

started chugging down alcohol again. i'll drink and drink until that moment of throwing up, hoping i throw up my awful awful feelings too. my anger, my sorrows, my joy. till im left with none. last time i went to my psychologist i begged him to tell me how to have a heart of steel. i feared confrontation and i feared feeling anything in the first place. he asked if i thought that was a healthy attitude. i mean yeah.

people keep on running over me and you expect me to confront them so they get the chance of doing it over and over again. i don't want that. i fail to believe that no one tells bullies to stop bullying but they tell me to just to confront. fuck you.

olga's destruction

how did we get here? things end. suspiria doesn't. the dance will go on and on and on and on forever and suzy is the mater suspiriorum.

volk

i think of sour cherry filling croissants. how i squeeze them all lightly and see the jelly wobble. weird joys. since i learnt they are vegan, i must have bought too many packs. sweet tooth has been satisfied all good. maybe it's the pms. well one can only hope they are not pregnant.

i would like to leave the whole planet behind me. i would like to dance to you, at three in the morning. if you would just allow me to dance for you. can i be the witch now? let me dance to the drums.

has ended.