Swim, Swim Some More,Then Drown in It

It's something we all have I think; to fear what is to come. No no, I don't mean the virus. Something that runs deeper, the future.

I never prepared for my undergraduate studies. I just went on with my A Levels, and UCAS applications. Then when the time to go to university came, I had nothing. Not having a back-up got me up the bum (sorry). It was basically this: I either got what I wanted or I didn't. The in-between wasn't acceptable. I was not supposed to go somewhere and be miserable over (which is exactly what happened to me in the past four years I have spent in Famagusta).

This year, I am to graduate from my bachelor's studies, from mechanical engineering. It's, once again, the time to decide on things, to apply for things, to act on things. Things, FUCKING things. I always hated institutionalised education, and never in my life had a day of work experience (does Team Ada count? No? Okay). Am I to go on to a masters degree? Work? Where and in what condition to work? If I seek a masters degree, is it going to be worth it? Am I to add on anything? Do I have a place in the academy afterwards? PhD? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

What?

Phil France has this instrumental piece, The Swimmer. Gets me wishing for summer. Never had a taste for it in the past, summer is for people who enjoy.. being. Everything is exhausting, and everything is demanding. The thought of swimming is funny. I got nausea the last few times I went because I got so hooked up on the movement of water around me. Swim, swim some more, then drown in it.

Hey

This is a shitty blog
It's my diary
Though it's not that personal
Nothing is really THAT personal

I am violent,
and this is where this shit writing ends
- till next swim

Justine, Favourite Bits

"A city becomes a world when one loves one of its inhabitants" writes Durrell, in the first book of the famous Alexandria Quartet, Justine.

We take a peek at this history ridden city and its characters. I wanted to write up some of my favourite bits from the book, to have them permanently lying here. It is upsetting, but the book is from my university's library and I am to return it back if I ever wish to graduate and leave.

"At this she put out her hand and placed it on mine while she laughed, wrinkling up her nose: laughing with such candour, so lightly and effortlessly, that there and then I decided to love her." p.55

"..what I lack of heart I make up in soul." 

"If this was love then it was a variety of the plant which I have never seen before." p.66

"It is hard to fight with one's heart's desire; whatever it wishes to get, it purchases at the cost of soul." p.87

"There was something exhausting and perverting about loving so well and yet loving so little." p.112

"I saw that pain itself was the only food of memory: for pleasure ends in itself - all they had bequeathed me was a fund of permanent health - life-giving detachment." p.160

and on a page, there was a short paragraph on the ends of Mediterranean.. mentioning Cyprus, Salamis.. i would like to keep that for myself.

Until next time
Zehra